danger smells like clean socks

Crap.

It feels like crap that too many people EXCEPT for me are going out there and doing exceptional, creative, dynamic, innovative things.

Why aren't you out there, 24? Why? When has it ever been impossible for you to achieve?

I'm complete and total lazybones at home, but at work, I absolutely hate the feeling of not doing enough to pull my weight, letting other people do what is supposed to be my job (at the point of being beyond superman) -- I'm just one person, I know, but I hate the idea of being irrelevant, and redundant.

Surfing the net all day and being lazy is a tempting idea, but when you're in an office, suffocating though the environment may be, you're expected to work your butt off.

I have no idea where the engine in me gets turned on.

I have no idea how it works, it's just how I'm programmed. I'm kinda competitive and I want to be the best, but this really happens only very occasionally.

This competition is good for me. It tells me to not ever sit on my ass and wait for time to pass. It teaches me new things. It tells me to get the hell on with it.

spaceinthewho

So I joined LinkedIn because my Dad invited me over the summer... and it totally freaked me out because I hadn't setup any account information, yet it guessed at the people I might know, and was right for many of them.  For a second, I was wondering if I had imported my Gmail account contacts by mistake. 

I finally realized that it was mining data that other people had imported, and searching for matches based on that.  The interesting thing is, that there is a business contact that I had made at work (who I've only corresponded with via my work email account), and he shows up as a person I might know, even though LinkedIn has no confirmed knowledge of my work email address. 

This is kind of interesting... guessing that first+last names of people might match, even though the email address (a much more uniquely identifying attribute) does not.

It freaks me out a lot less now that I have a guess at how it works... pretty clever, but its definately a privacy concern.  This is definately something I'd enjoy working on though... improving the algorithm to find connections and looking at the data to verify the hypothesis... I love this stuff :)

Maybe the reason I had to endure that kind of earthshattering betrayal last year was because God knew I was too smart to take that kind of shit from boyfriends and almost-boyfriends.

Oh, but look. is it the same? is it worse? I don't know, except that at the end of it all, I have you, and that makes everything a little better.

a little, because i am an indignant bitch who needs to be vindicated.

These are i requests, I think -- these are stuff I would get for myself if I chose to spend my own money.

1. Sony Greenheart C901 - a nice cellphone made out of recycled plastics and a reliable 5MP camera because I'm too lazy to lug a separate camera around. Plus the Xenon flash doubles as a flashlight for the blackouts that are becoming more and more common in the workplace.

2. Nook e-reader - so I don't blind myself prematurely being a bookworm on an LCD / CRT monitor! I actually prefer the e-reader to the iPod, but I already have a beat-up iPod so that's less gadget lust for me. 

3. A nice 2010 planner - my summer schedule's turning out to be pretty hectic. I've survived work without one so far, but I'm not sure for how much longer I can go on like this.

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Wow, after that, my wishlist goes blank. Okay, the big-ticket items:

4. A car - I need one to take me around. Tired of taking the cab everywhere.

5. A macbook - I promised my boyfriend that I won't be purchasing a laptop anytime soon. After everything that's happened, I'm not sure I still want to. I'd still like to have a macbook some day but right now I'm being served just fine.

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Hm. That's a short list. Anyway, the stuff that probably won't be getting off my future wishlists anytime soon simply because it's a major big-ticket item, majorly majorly so.

6. Trip around the world. If I can't ever afford the jetsetting lifestyle for real, maybe a trip exploring all of europe will do. or all of Asia. Heck, all of the country would be nice. 

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I've listed the things I want, but here's what I want more than all of those things: I wanna get my business rolling already. It's a huge beginning investment, so right now I'm taking my sweet time and studying. The harder thing is getting off my ass and actually doing something. 

I really didn't grow up a gifts person and I'm finding it hard to buy things I want for myself. That would've been fine except I'm also finding it hard to get people to buy things for me. I'm just super minimalist like that. I feel like dropping hints even then would've been too obvious.

I was browsing through a bookstore with my boyfriend on the phone and I started telling him -- "you know a book I've always wanted to get?" I started realizing where I was going with this conversation so I changed the topic to how I bumped into an old college teacher that day, something I never expected. After that, my boyfriend brought the conversation back: "so, you were saying about that book...." he picked up on my "hint". I got embarrassed and ended it before it went any further.

I want lots of things, I do. I want a Kindle and I would like to have a macbook again. I really would like to have that book. But at the end of the day, I've lived without them and survived just fine. I just can't justify spending all that money for those things. With or without those things, I still get to read a lot, and stay inspired. 

So, they're just fringe benefits. 

(I still haven't gotten a birthday gift for my boyfriend. I have no idea what to get him.)

It would be nice though to have someone know me so well I wouldn't even have to attempt to drop hints (that just feels classless to me, dropping hints, like I'm entitled to something.) It would be nice to have someone surprise me with something I never even knew I wanted. I think my boyfriend knows me that well, except for that one time he surprised me with a stuffed soccer ball as part of my graduation gift. (the other gift was a wallet, which I really needed, so I'm thankful for that.)

They have the best software, really. They just work -- no bloat, no fuss, and they're inherently pretty.